colored queer waters: its not long enough to be a manifesto, but it should be: taking down "come out culture" once and for all
To me, the whole notion of Malcolm X being a coward for not coming out when he was alive and well points to a larger problem, come out culture in general.
I’m not talking about coming out as a personal process, but a larger LGBT culture which perpetuates multiple falsehoods about the motivations and realities for coming out of the closet.
A larger culture which has created a dichotomy of coming out the closet as being associated with
- bravery- because while yes, coming out is brave, there is no bravery in merely attempting to survive environments that are hostile to LGBT existence and bodies {sarcasm}
- progressive- your act is a sign of the changing times, of how things have “gotten better” and the more people who come out, the more society will have to accept LGBT people for who and what they are {we all know dis a damn lie}
- martyrdom- you are using your identity as a platform for teaching bigots and the otherwise politically neutral about how LGBT people are just as “normal” as straight people. you are becoming a warrior in the out and proud rainbow army which is gunning for the homophobia of the larger straight world. You’re in the army now! and that’s a damn noble cause if i do say so myself {epic sarcasm!}
Anybody who doesn’t come out is usually indited as a coward single handedly holding progress back by refusing to make their identity a political platform. They are ticking the clock hands of progress in reverse because, and often-times they are unfairly compared to those choosing to live out lifestyles without critical understanding of what motivates the decision to come out versus the decision to keep sexual identity to onesself.
Come out culture in and of itself is loaded with privilege denial and reeks of privilege.
It ignores the circumstance of the individual over the perceived collective need of the group, often blaming them for things beyond their control, such as financial/stability dependence on a loved one who espouses anti-LGBT beliefs both verbally or violently.
It ignores the ways in which sexuality plays a role in certain community dynamics with respect to class, race. and religion. Instead it chooses to focus on those who have come out in those respective communities and have prospered, making them an all too high standard to live up to.
It ignores the harsh realities members of communities may face in coming out, painting this overly rosey picture of coming out as either being a relatively consequence free endeavour or one with adversity that can easily be overcome with time. Instead it chooses to vilify those communities for not making a safe space for its LGBT members to come out in, often speaking over existing in-group conversations around issues of sexuality, gender identity, and gender presentation.
It ignores the homelessness which plagues LGBT people, the violence of street living as a result of homelessness or simply being coded walking down the street as too flamboyant, too masculine, too binary breaking, too androgynous, too south of straight and heteronormative. The lack of legal protections for housing, marriage rights, employment, medical treatments/services, violence against LGBT people with respect to law enforcement outside of the federal level.
The scathing irony of all this: come out culture is a fairly white-washed aspect of the LGBT movement which has been adopted by LGBT people of color attempting to fit into a larger movement which barely includes them in the first place. We kick ourselves for not having Harvey Milks or Judy Shepards or more contemporary out and proud brown figures who are living the good life since coming out the closet. We villify those living on the down lo instead of first asking what about our respective cultures makes those people feel unsafe, or what about the construction of brown masculinity or brown femininity and the underlying gender roles makes a person feel as though their identity must be kept a secret.
We attempt to adopt this haphazard rhetoric and apply it to our communities not realizing that much like condoms, its not always one size fits all. We adopt this rhetoric when our priorities should be figuring out whether having a come out culture is even significant to us. Is coming out as an LGBT brown person signficant to the advancement of LGBT brown people, or can we mobilize and advance without people putting themselves in harm’s way.
And if we do feel as though having a come out culture is worth it, then our priorities should be actualizing the ways in which brown come out culture looks to us and feels to us and makes our brown queer bodies feel safe and stable, not attempting to compete with a white narrative which makes coming out seem like winning or loosing a game of cards, and often overlooks and misrepresents the harsh realities facing white LGBT people who lack financial independence or stability enough to come out and brave the ramifications of their own communities.
So honestly, as a queer woman who has been out since she was 14 and is now 21, as somebody who is working on coming out as an African American muslim woman who chose Jewish Studies as a major long before coming into her own religious identity. as somebody who is not out to my Jewish studies colleagues on a lot of levels, sexuality included, because i chose to build my relationships not based on my identities but my ability to master the material and my interest. fuck come out culture.
Your identity is not there to teach people right from wrong, just from unjust, or martyr from coward. You are no less a queer person for not jumping out of the closet with a pogo stick and your contributions are not undermined simply because you choose not to live your life on the front lines for everyone to praise and condemn.
You don’t owe queer people the strength in your number if it comes at a great expense to your life, your safety, your stability, or even your mental health.
You are here to exist for you and only you. To breathe, to survive, to make your dreams come true, to actualize yourself in a way which means the wheels keep on turnin and don’t stop.
The whole topic of coming out is one that I’m really conflicted about. On the one hand, I’m so incredibly grateful to all the QPOC who’ve been out and proud and gave me role models, especially someone like Stacey-Ann Chin whose existence as an out Jamaican lesbian actually occasionally causes me to shed tears of joy cause I REALLY NEEDED for someone like her to exist. And even when I’m out with a girl in a non-queer space and we’re being affectionate without any hassle, man SO MUCH GRATITUDE to *all* the elders of all colours and genders who went through hell in order for things to be the way they are today.
But on the other hand, I still feel trapped in this double life — out and totally proud in the US but semi-closeted in Jamaica and especially to everyone in my family over 40 (including my parents). My family has just meant so much to me, ultra conservative and religious though they are, plus I still have some financial dependence at the moment… so I get that it’s really not so cut and dry. Life is complicated.
I think this year’s gonna be a big one though. I’m probably gonna end up drawing a line in the sand with my fam and brace for the consequences. It’s just… time, time to pay forward the debt which I feel to my elders for making a way for me.
To my fellow QPOC or just any queer folks in a difficult situation I’d say wait for the right time… but recognize that being out is a really important, meaningful thing that others will almost certainly benefit from.
